What Are They Trying To Do To Us?

Just what are they trying to do to us? Are they oblivious to the fact that the Christmas period traditionally has the highest suicide rate of the year? Or are they perhaps cunningly trying to encourage a culling of the old guard, to pave the way for a new generation of fans undamaged by the events of recent years?

According to the club site, the DVD of the past two seasons (‘The Championship Years’) will finally see the light of day and be dispatched to those among us who stumped up in a couple of weeks – just in time for the ‘festivities’. It was always going to be one to either be filed unopened to keep the series complete, or to save for a truly exceptional evening. After all, it’s not going to have the usual ebb and flow of a normal DVD, following an elaborate plot through to the uplifting or thought-provoking denouement. This one’s going to be something equivalent to Death In Venice: no tension, no final twist, just a steady descent from false optimism, through the despair of dashed hopes, through to unremitting gloom and final resignation. I just hope there are suitable warnings on the packaging; after all, this thing could turn up unexpectedly in Christmas stockings.

The best idea to date is for a number of us to gather, having first sorted out any personal affairs, with a sufficient stash of booze and pills. While still compus mentis we can compile a suicide note and send it off to Dowie, Pardew and a selected top 10 of the most useless or greedy gits that took the field in the two seasons. Just don’t be surprised if the DVD makes the nationals for the second time: ‘Club Highlights Sparks Mass Suicide’.